The below article, written by Barbara Elgin, appears in the May/June 2000 edition of the Sentinel - the newsletter of the National Association of Social Workers, Maryland Chapter:

Committee of Sexual Minority Issues - Highly Recommended Referral Resource for Your Clients: The Gay Fathers Coalition of Baltimore (GFC Baltimore)

Whether you are currently working with a gay or gay-questioning father, or updating your referral resource list, please consider GFC Baltimore as a high quality adjunct to treatment and/or aftercare. Recently, I had an opportunity to sit down with the organization's president Richard Pazornik and secretary Nick Marulli, two very devoted and caring members. About fifty members strong, GFC Baltimore is a social and support group for gay fathers, supportive partners, interested family members and friends. Part of an umbrella organization called Families Pride Coalition, GFC has a number of chapters around the country, including Washington, D.C. The Baltimore chapter was established in 1994. Family Pride Coalition is comprised of several family-oriented groups. These include groups for lesbian parents, single gay parents, gay fathers still involved in heterosexual marriages and children of gays. GFC networks with these and other sexual minority organizations so feel free to contact GFC if you want to learn more about and/or make client referrals to these other groups. This article will focus on GFC Baltimore.

The group's mission is to "provide a support and communications network for gay fathers, promote the common interests of gay fathers and families, provide opportunities for social interactions between gay fathers, their children and friends, and to sponsor activities presenting a positive image of gays to increase social acceptance of alternative parenting." Both men envision GFC playing a part in healing individuals, families and society so that, one day, organizations such as GFC Baltimore will no longer need to exist.

 Both men report that they, like many of the fathers attracted to GFC, are dads of children from former, heterosexual relationships. Other members are partners of dads and adoptive parents. Like many in the group, they first heard of the group through word of mouth and came to their initial meetings in the midst of personal crises, struggling with the coming out, separation/divorce and/or life rebuilding processes. Both men were very
open with me in sharing the transformation both they and others in the group have experienced, due in large part to the support of the group. One of the men stressed how important it was for him to "get his act together" and live an honest life for his children, stating with conviction "how could he teach his children to live honestly when he was living a lie?"

Both men report that group support enabled them to stand firm in the desire to live with integrity as well as coping with their own sense of shame and internalized homophobia. For many group members this has been the difference between moving on and building a happy life versus staying stuck in the shell of a marriage and resulting emotional and behavioral symptoms such as depression, substance abuse, etc. Men come to the group where they meet other gay fathers and realize, many for the first time, that these men do not fit society's negative stereotypes. The experience enables new members to reframe and recognize that they can be gay AND normal.

 Once a gay dad decides to leave the double-life, he comes face-to-face with how to do it effectively, which includes coping with all of the associated fears and changes in behaviors this requires. Fears include possible rejection by his children, friends and other family members, resulting conflicts with his wife, etc. The group is very supportive here too - not in doing the work for him, but in providing him the resources and encouragement to stand on his own and to follow through in behaving truthfully. One of the biggest forms of encouragement is the hope instilled in newer members when they meet men who have survived the transition process and have emerged living healthy, more fulfilled lives. Members become energized s they let go of these inner conflicts and  outer masks.

 The group is very helpful at this early, vulnerable stage when the man is newly single and attempting to reach out socially. Often members have not been active in the "dating scene" for many years. Guest speakers are invited to monthly meetings to talk about dating, protecting oneself from sexually transmitted diseases, etc. Older members normalize concerns and share with others their mistakes and how to stay on track as a parent with obligations as one goes through this "second adolescence."

Group members attempt to connect reluctant men with individual group members or others from the larger community who have something in common with that man. One potential group member was a devout Catholic and full of self contempt. He did not see any hope of working out his issues until GFC connected him with an openly gay priest. The devout Catholic then had a model he could refer to and was able to move forward in being honest with his wife and children, ending his marriage, etc. Another man came to the group profoundly depressed and suicidal. One year later, after many ups and downs, he experiences more ups and is very active in the group and is rebuilding his life.

As members move on through the transition of the old life to the new one, the group is still there. Many current members have reached this stage and support one another around issues like finding and maintaining relationships and giving back to the community. Richard and Nick are in long-term relationships and appear very happy. Both are excited and looking for ways the group can continue its growth. They receive numerous requests to go out and speak to educate the general public. Nick had just spoken with a group of students at an area high school and was excited about his ability to help the attendees meet an "average, everyday gay father." Both men are very committed to making a positive impact by communicating to the larger community positive and truthful information about gay issues and alternative parenting.

Ages in the group range from the mid-20's through the 60's, including grand- and even great-grandfathers! Membership includes dads from diverse socioeconomic, racial and religious backgrounds. Veteran members are actively seeking as diverse a group as possible and are currently doing outreach to key contacts in the African-American community to increase African-American representation. Both men stressed that the point of the group is fatherhood and that they do not welcome men who attend with the sole agenda of meeting a man.

Both Richard and Nick are very self-accepting and confident. I found this surprising, especially in light of the fact that both had only been openly gay for 5 years! They are fortunate in that their family members, friends and co-workers have been supportive of this life change. One can wonder how far along they would have been without the benefit of the group.

 For the client who is not yet ready to attend a meeting or activity in person, or for anyone interested in learning more about the group and related issues, direct them to the GFC Baltimore Home Page at www.gfcbaltimore.org. If someone has email without internet access, they can still write to the organization for more details at info@gfcbaltimore.org. GFC's web pages are chock full of resources in addition to group basics like monthly meeting information, activities calendar and membership details. Clients who want to learn more about gay fathering issues and resources will find the links very helpful. There are links to guides on "Coming Out for Gay Dad," "Coming out to Kids," listservs for gay fathers, children of gays and contact information on support organizations for bisexual dads, single gay fathers, to mention just a few. You will also find an extensive listing of related gay father, family and religious organizations. Reading lists on related topics are also available.

The group meets the second Friday of each month at 7:30pm at the Gay and Lesbian Community Center of Baltimore (GLCCB), 241 W. Chase Street, next to the Lambda Rising bookstore. The atmosphere is casual and fun and visitors are always welcome. Temporary, 3-month FREE trial memberships are offered to newcomers. GFC Baltimore's annual dues are $30 ($125 for a lifetime membership) which entitles the member to attend monthly meetings, receipt of the monthly newsletter News and Views, access to the GFC video/audio and book library, admission to social events such as their Annual Father's Day Picnic and December Holiday Party, occasional day trips to Atlantic City and New York, and email news & information bulletins. GFC Baltimore also mans an information booth at the Baltimore Gay Pride Festival every year.