Unequal But Living Together

Paul Adam Haber

From GFN.com

June 25, 2002

In the throws of new gay love, who pays for what is often not a consideration - we simply want to spend time with the new person and we give little thought to daily finances...until later. And "later" is usually the time when couples begin to bicker over money issues.

Love is Blind, but Money Isn't

The issue of who pays in a relationship is often complicated when one partner makes considerably more than the other, a common occurrence with gay couples.

"I've seen more couples fight - and breakup - over money issues than almost anything else," says A.H. Sachs, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles who counsels lesbian and gay couples. "Of course, it's rarely about the money; it's a power struggle and the money is just the weapon of choice."

According to Sachs, we think that we're fighting about money, but the quarrel usually spawns from deeper roots. The issue, at its core, often boils down to control: how one partner can control - or allows himself or herself to be controlled - by their partner's money.

"A typical scenario I've worked with over and over again, comes from not setting up an agreement from the very beginning, and then resentment builds," Sachs says.

"Two people meet, and one of them makes much more money than the other. What happens next is very subtle and usually not done on a conscious level: in the beginning the more affluent half of the couple, in wooing the new love interest, will pour it on, paying for dinners, shows, flowers, and gifts.

"Sometimes the other partner will offer to pay, and may indeed do that on occasion, but the more affluent half often says, 'Don't worry about it, I'm making more than you, and it's not a problem.'"

According to Sachs, it may indeed be a problem, and the start of a disastrous pattern.

A Psychology at Odds With Itself

The tricky part of the psychology of the more affluent person comes from their simultaneously liking the subtle measure of control that they exert over their other half by paying for more than his or her fair share, while at the same time feeling anger at the lower-earning partner for taking advantage of them.

Suddenly, the more affluent partner finds themselves in the parental role of provider, and unless they like playing "Daddy," it's not a role a lot of men enjoy playing day in and day out. Bedroom theatrics aside, resentment will invariably ensue.

Of course, cautions Sachs, some people who control using money have a deep-seated fear they don't have much else to offer. So, they resent having to pay and also fear they'll be abandoned if they stop.

For the less affluent part of the couple, the situation presents several options for long-term problems. The person wants to be with the better-earning partner, but knows they can't "keep up" financially, so he/she allows himself/herself to be paid for.

The less affluent partner may eventually feel resentment, says Sachs, because the money will come with strings attached, as the other partner reminds him of how much he's not paying, and is therefore obligated to be compliant in any number of ways.

Get it in Writing

The psychological needs and motivations for every couple will vary - often having to do with our attitudes toward money learned from our parents. But the small measure of insurance Sachs recommends is to set up in writing a plan for who pays what.

"I really recommend this to couples. But it requires a willingness from both partners to put their cards on the table - what they want, what they can afford, and where they're willing to make some lifestyle changes. I've seen the less affluent half of gay couples go into debt trying to keep up with their richer partner. Of course, they love the lifestyle - who wouldn't - but they can't afford it.

"I had a young man as a patient, a struggling actor, whose new love was a partner in a law firm; needless-to-say the partner made a bigger paycheck than the actor. The partner would always invite the actor to dinner - but the actor didn't like being paid for all the time, nor could he afford to pay his own way. Naturally, the partner said, 'Don't worry about it, I'm glad to pay.'

'I suggested to the actor that he say to his friend: "I want to see you, I want to be with you, but I can't afford these dinners and I'm uncomfortable being paid for all the time. So, if you're willing, let me make us dinner a couple of times a week, and you could return the favor once in a while.'

"The nice turn of events was that the partner in the law firm agreed, and turned out to be a fabulous cook. Who knew? It was a nice solution they could both live with."

Expenses During the Relationship

Once the dating is over and the relationship starts, that's when Sachs suggests a written living together agreement be put together immediately to determine who pays what according to income.

If a couple chooses to live in a beautiful and expensive apartment, it needs to be predetermined how much each half of the couple will pay. When one half of the couple makes considerably more, the agreement needs to reflect that in splitting the rent in a realistic way - otherwise, says Sachs, they should just live in a cheaper place.

If you and your partner have great income disparities - one of you earns $175,000, and the other makes $50,000 a year - create a plan to divide expenses 75-25, or whatever is equitable to your income. And then stick to it.

How you divide the day-to-day costs for food, utilities, laundry and grooming the dog, can be handled any number of ways within a contract, if your incomes are closer to each other, although Sachs likes the cookie jar method.

"When one of you buys something for the house, or pays a bill, write your name on the receipt and throw it into a tasteful bit of crockery. Every few months, you empty out the receipt jar and total up how much each has spent. One of you then writes the other a check to even things up," says Sachs.

"It requires that you keep the simplest accounting of your expenses, but by saving those receipts it can save a bundle in resentment down the road."